PVPF 2024

Interview with Aniruddha Mahale, Author of “GET OUT: The Gay Man's Guide to Coming Out and Going Out”

It might not seem like it, but I realized many things about myself while working on the manuscript - prodding at memories from your past does that to you.
on Jun 27, 2023

Aniruddha Mahale is an LGBTQ activist, social media influencer and writer. He's written for several publications including FirstPost, MensXP, Indian Express, HT Brunch and DNA, Homegrown and HuffPost India. He also runs the social media page @theguysexual. He lives in Mumbai.

Frontlist: Can you tell us about your inspiration behind writing "Get Out" and why you felt compelled to create a guide specifically for gay men in India?

Aniruddha: As much as I would hate to sound like a cliche, it all came down to timing. I've just been lucky about being in the right place at the right time. In fact, the book started as a little something that I wrote for a queer portal a decade ago. That (very memorable) 2400-word essay turned into two anonymous columns, and then one night, nudged on by a bottle of wine, I decided to shoot my shot and sent out a (slightly drunken) DM to a commissioning editor at HarperCollins asking her if I could interest her in a book idea.

The short version: that it was an exciting insight into queer dating for the world to read. The extended version is mostly a memoir of my dating misadventures - I'd grown up without any clue what living life as a gay man could mean (save for terrible representation in Bollywood) in India. You can get blindsided as you try to navigate your way around your identity and the community. I only had one goal: If I can even change that for one young, impressionable gay person today - and not let them have the same terrible experiences I did - I think I'd have accomplished something.

Plus, it's 2023. It's about time we had more voices on the table.

Frontlist: Humor seems to play an important role in your book. How did you find the balance between addressing serious topics and keeping the tone light-hearted?

Aniruddha: It might not seem like it, but I realized many things about myself while working on the manuscript - prodding at memories from your past does that to you. Since a major part of the guide is based on my lived experiences (apart from the occasional anecdote I've heard from other gay men), I had to do much self-actualization while writing it. It's not just a rant about all the ways I may have been wronged; it's also a confession of all the ways I may have (un)intentionally hurt other people, too (and there are many ways). That's a lot of trips to my therapist and many drinks I'd had all by myself. Collectively, it was a lot of misery.

I brought in humor in the book for very selfish reasons. I didn't want my mind to go to dark places, and keeping the tone light-hearted meant I could skip funding my therapist's five-bedroomed apartment with an in-built jacuzzi. Plus, who doesn't love a good jokebook?

Frontlist: "Get Out" focuses on the dating experiences of gay men in India. Were there any unique challenges or cultural factors that you discovered during your research or personal experiences that influenced the content of the book?

Aniruddha: I want to start this answer with a giant disclaimer: my book is not a self-help book. It might sound like a self-help book. It might look like a self-help book. It might call itself a self-help book once or twice.

The contents of my book are solely based on my lived experiences (and the occasional anecdote I might have overheard from an unsuspecting date). What might have worked for me might not work for someone else. It's pure science: just as two snowflakes are not alike, two gay men will never live the same story—processing was the biggest challenge I had to face. How do I do full justice to an audience like that? The hard truth is that you can't.

I had one main takeaway when writing the book: No 'first date' template exists in real life. No instruction guide tells you how it works, no manual gives you a recipe for the quintessential first date. One man's first date might be another man's poison, the idea of a quick (platonic) catch-up.

I struggled with that concept as a young, impressionable gay man. Because there's no defined template (drinks, dinner, a movie, and meeting friends), there's never any definition of what things might lead to. You can imagine the constant confusion (which also led me to develop this manuscript).

Over the years, you learn to create your template. You make a list of things (or activities) you like to do and then add the person (you're interested in) as your plus one for all of them. It's a blank canvas; you get to write your story.

Frontlist: The title of your book, "Get Out," carries multiple meanings. Can you shed some light on the significance of the title and how it reflects the themes explored in the book?

Aniruddha: At the risk of sounding like a sad cliché, this book was designed to help readers GET OUT of their rut (or their comfort zone) by learning from my romantic (mis)adventures. I wanted to help them get out and live with the grace and ease (and technology) that I never had. This way, they would have that entire experience plus a bonus: my personal track record.

Growing up gay a decade back was a lot less cathartic than it is today. I spent years in the closet, gnawing at the walls of self-doubt and self-hate. Would I ever be able to find myself, I would wonder. It took me years to realize that I had to get out of my head before I stumbled into the real world.

And so does someone who picks up the book.

But for that to happen, they must GET OUT of their shell. They need to get out of their house. They need to get out and smell the roses. They need to get out of their comfort zone. But most importantly, they need to get out and not make the same mistakes I did.

That idea stuck somewhere, and it stayed through as my book's final title.

Frontlist: Your book addresses the dating experiences of gay men specifically in the context of India. Do you believe that the challenges and advice discussed in the book can be relevant and applicable to gay men in other cultural contexts as well? Why or why not?

Aniruddha: Contrary to what we may tell you, gay men are obsessed with the idea of finding a sense of normalcy, which means finding companionship. This obsession leads us to be obsessed with dating apps. We live them. We breathe them. We devour them. We can't get enough of them. It's a universal concept, almost as if it's genetically coded in gay men worldwide.

We don't have many safe spaces when it comes to finding love. But in India, we don't have safe spaces at all. That's why the book should find relevance across the globe. It helps you find and navigate all potential secure areas.